Strawberries and Father's day

The kids and I made some strawberry pies, one for Jack and one for my dad for Father's Day. I cleaned all the strawberries and gave each kid a plastic knife, put the cutting board on their all purpose table, showed them what to do and we all sliced the strawberries for the pies. Then they put the strawberries in the Graham cracker crusts. While I prepared the jello filling. Tomorrow we will spread the Whipped Cream on them. The land lady made me one, since I made her a strawberry/rhubarb pie. And I tell you it was delicious. You can use fresh Raspberries and raspberry jello, I want to try Mandarin oranges and orange jello. She got the recipe from a cook book, and I do not know if I would get into trouble by posting it. SO if anyone would like to know, let me know, and I will get it to you....We will be going to fix my dad dinner tomorrow. We have decided on something simple but good. TACO's...

I realize I have not blogged since William went to the doctors on Thursday. I just have not been sure I have wanted to blog about it or not.....Been sitting here wondering if I should just keep it to myself, or to get it out, and get some added prayers going...Since I have talked to my mom about it, and the rest of the family, and a few people to get it out, I decided I would let you all know how the visit went.

First Williams hearing is fine, his ear drums gave off perfect waves, and the bounce back of sound is right on track...That is great news, and I was very pleased to hear it. On the other hand, William has to get a CAT scan of his head on Wednesday. It is scheduled at 7a.m., since he can not eat or drink for 2 hours before. We have to be at the hospital at 6, which means we will leave at 5:30. I will be taking William by myself, while Jack stays here with Brooke, because I am not about to drag her out at that time. If my mom was not still in Maryland, I would have her come and stay with Brooke. Also William has to see a pediatric Neurologist at Mott Children's Hospital. We are still trying to get that appointment set up. I am not exactly sure what the doctor may think is wrong, but he was quite concerned. The reason for all this, is because William has uncontrolled movements in his right arm and now it is starting to involve his legs. It has always been there, but I did not pay much attention to it, it was usually just at night, and only his arm. Well when it started involving his legs, I paid a little more attention, and when it started to occur at any time of the day that he was not preoccupied with something and was basically sitting (for instance watching TV), then I really got concerned, It is progressively getting worse, and when he did it on the way to the doctor, I decided I had to mention it to him.

I am a nervous wreck about Wednesday...they will probably have to sedate him and he will be getting the contrast (die) through an IV. The only thing I can remember was in Oct. 2005 when Brooke had her tongue clipped and her screaming as they carried her down the hall. Then because the stupid jerks did not get me before she woke up, it took me over an hour to calm her down. And then on New Years Eve 2005 when she was admitted to the hospital for dehydration and it took them 4 times to put an IV in, and her screaming in pain. The hospital that he is getting the CAT scan done at does not have a pediatric department, so God only knows if they will have any kind of sensitivity to a small child, and the right know how on how to give said small child an IV. I have learned from the past, and I will not let him go through what his sister did. If I even think that something traumatic will be done, then I will take him and leave, and request the scan be done at the children's hospital.

I keep telling myself that no matter what, he is still my beautiful, intelligent, loving baby boy. AND we will get through what ever comes.....Yea I am kicking myself in the butt for all the things I did or did not do when I was pregnant with him, one being my age. BUT the worse is, When I found out I was pregnant with him, and all I could think was I did not want another baby. I never thought about ending the pregnancy, but I did not want another baby, I did not want to be pregnant......Is it coming back to haunt me? Even though The longer I was pregnant the MORE I wanted him, and the day I found out I was having a boy and the joy I felt, the day I first felt him move and I got so excited, and the day he made his entrance into this world, and the total undeniable, unconditional love I had for him....and would not change ANYTHING.....except for maybe my first thoughts.....I know you will all say to stop beating myself up, BUT that is easier said than done. I have been praying and praying and praying and praying even harder. To help me get past all these thoughts that keep popping into my head, and all the guilt I am feeling. He is and always be my gift from God...

Ok...I had better get off here, before I get caught crying.....BOY I have been doing a lot of that lately (mostly in my private little moments, as I look at him)

It finally cooled down enough this evening that I turned off the air and have the windows open, I sure hope that it doesn't rain like it did last night...

Hope everyone is staying safe.....

Hug the ones you love and pray for those you don't......