How can I feel this way, when I have 2 angels sleeping next to me.....How can I just want to throw my arms up in the air and give up all my fight, when I have 2 angels sleeping next to me....How can I feel like such a failure, when I have 2 angels sleeping next to me.....
I have so many blessings in my life and 2 of them are sleeping next to me...Then why do I feel so damn unblessed.
My day starts out so full of joy because of my little angels, and as the day wears on I feel the darkness roll in. Some nights I can get out of the darkness and others like tonight I just can not bring myself out.......I just want to crawl up in a corner and cry....I want to go in the cupboard and grab that 30 yr old Jack Daniels and just drink myself into oblivion (which would be one drink) But I know that, that will not help any.
Depression just keeps looming at every turn.
Just when I think that something is finally going to give....I am kicked right back down....Someone basically said that we don't want out of our situation, and called us lazy.....Said that we will just be a Welfare statistic....Yea sure, I do not want the best for my kids, I do not want them to be productive individuals in society, I do not want them to have a roof over their heads, or clothes on their backs, or food in their stomachs. Yea sure I just want to be where I am.....
Where would I be if I had left my husband 2 years ago? Would I be better off, or in the same spot? Some may think that my husband is my problem, and one person has even said so, But no he is not...The situation we are in may not be so if he had not made some bad choices, but who's to say that we would not still be where we are today even if he had not made them choices.
You know I just wish there was some miracle that would come upon us and make everything all better, I just wish that there was even just a little break, I am not asking for riches, I am not asking for the world, I am just asking for someone to hire Jack or myself or even both of us so that we can help ourselves and we can give our children what they need. I am just asking for God to have some mercy on me and my family. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for a way to help ourselves? Is it too much to ask to have a whole day of no darkness and only light?
I can put on a good front for all to see, I have gotten very good at that, If they knew just how bad the darkness has become they would be worried sick and I do not want my family to be worried. I have to add this for all my friends "I am not and will not ever even think of suicide" I can get by with my faith in God and prayers..... I would not ever put my family through the turmoil of me being so selfish as to end my own life. I do not hide from my problems....
I had reached this point about the same time last year, and I found a way to get out of it, I found how much enjoyment and peace I got crocheting for charity. Well I can not even get that now, because sure I have my crocheting and knitting and can make stuff all day long, but then I have to place it in a box to sit and wait, instead of being able to send it to it's new home to give someone some love and comfort. So now I will sit here and type away with my thoughts, and darkness, and ponderings and pray that it brings me some relief, since keeping it all pent up inside is not helping matters any. So I will get it all out in the open and maybe, just maybe, it will help bring me out of the darkness.
I hope to be able to truly see the light, soon. I Hope that My faith can bring me out of the darkness....
8 comments:
Oh Wendy, I am so sorry you are going through the rough. I know it is discouraging and it is hard to see past what is the reality of today. There have been times in my life when I was unsure if there would even be food on our table the next day, but God always made a way. We all go through the wringer at some point, some just get wrung a little harder than others. I hope the wringer spits you out soon. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Wendy, Rely on God, Hang in there and keep your chin up. Keep on loving those precious kids and Jack.
Quote for the week.
“The will of God will not take you where the grace of God will not keep you.”
{HUGS} Wendy.
Dear Jesus, thank You for never leaving the side of my dear friend Wendy and for carrying the burdens for her. Thank You for providing always, and blessing even in the times of want. Thank You for shining the light in the darkness, a light that never burns out, a light that promises to lead the way to Your promises, peace and joy. Thank You for the hope of a job and provision just around the corner. Keep Wendy strong in You, don't let the voices of others or the devil discourage her, let her only hear the voice of TRUTH, You provide even for the smallest sparrow and how much more will You provide for Wendy and her family. We believe, receive and rejoice in all You have planned. In Jesus' Holy name we pray. Amen!!!
Wendy dear, I know it doesn't really help to know that you are not alone....You feel so isolated in your situation... Your faith is strong and you still live for your beautiful children. Sometimes we need just a little outside help. When I started going through depression 3 years ago my mind would not function very well. My doctor put me on lexapro. It made a big difference. I am now taking a generic brand that Walmart has for $4.00. Pills are not always the answer and these are not happy pills, they just help me cope in stressful situations.
You have a lot of prayers being lifted to God through our Lord Jesus Christ for you, your family and the situation that our economy has put you in. Mine included.
Much love to a very special gal
Hon please just hang in there. I know it seems so hard right now but believe me it will not be that way forever. My oldest son is going through this pain right now, they were just evicted, his fiance is pregnant, yet they both have excellent jobs coming up in two weeks. In the meantime though everything is in shambles. Just wanted you not to feel alone ;-) So please hon hang in there.
Hugs!!!!
Wendy, you are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers. God IS there, and He WILL see you through. Be strong and know that someone cares about you--and give those adorable angels a hug from me.
Wendy, my friend, I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I as well suffer from depression and take Lexapro myself daily. I have suffered from depression since the mid 80's and still take medication. I still have good days and bad, but having Jehovah God in my life has helped me a great deal. He WILL answer your prayers. Keep praying and asking him for guidance. He never gives us more than we can handle.
I have you and your family in my prayers always, and remember when you are feeling down just look at your little angels and draw strength from them as well.
*HUGS*
Dearest Wendy, you are always, always, always in my prayers. I have had some terrible darkness too and God brought me through to the other side. He will do the same for you.
Julian of Norwich said:
God did NOT say:
You will not be tempested.
You will not labor hard.
You will not be troubled.
But God DID say:
YOU WILL NOT BE OVERCOME!
God is in control and Love wins. He said so. I believe it.
Love,
Suz
Love Wins
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